|
Bath:
This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls
and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
Bicycles:
Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body
fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush
and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the
person then swerves, and falls into the bushes, and you prance
away.
Bump:
The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking
a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
Deafness:
This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them
in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly
at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying
down.
Dog Bed:
Any soft, dean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest
room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
Drool:
Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do
this properly, you must sit as close as you can and look sad and
let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
Garbage Can:
A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your
ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the
lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with
margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts
of bread.
Goose Bump:
A maneuver to use as a lest resort when the Regular Bump doesn't
get the attention you require,....especially effective when combined
with The Sniff. See below.
Lean:
Every good dog's response to the command "sit!", especially if
your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective
before black-tie events.
Leash:
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your
person where you want him/her to go.
Love:
Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction.
The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're
lucky, a human will love you in return.
Sniff:
A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose
as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply,
repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
Sofas:
Are to dog like napkins are to people. After eating, it is polite
to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers
clean.
Thunder:
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain
amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn
them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling
your eyes wildly, and following at their heels. Let's not forget
exiting via windows, chewing door frames and clawing every door
in the house!
Wastebasket:
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy
wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the
papers all over the house until your person comes home.
|
